home.

when I was five,
I asked my mama,
if home's where the heart is,
does that mean that the piano is my home?
because that doesn't make sense,
how could i ever live inside a piano?

she laughed and ruffled my hair with her gentle gentle hands.
i'm a big girl, i told her, don't do that.
she laughed even harder, then calmed down and went back to chopping up onions,
humming as she kept the tempo steady with the knife and her strong strong hands.
i did not understand why she did not cry. the onions stung at my eyes.
papa was nowhere to be seen.
chop, chop, chop.


when I was ten,
I told her with smugness,
if home is where the heart is,
then the library must be home.
buried in books, i am finally a beautiful heroine, who,
when she loses her baby fat,
will get rescued from this
dull, unromantic life by a perfectly charming knight in shining armor.

she smiled a sad, tired smile,
and looked out the window,
only to yelp as she ran outside to gather the clothes from the clothesline
because it was starting to rain.
she walked back into the room that was now in shadow,
gasping for air,
and choking on it.
her clothes were also drenched from the rain.
she smiled a happy, tired smile, she asked me, isn't the rain beautiful?, without waiting for an answer.
but then she looked at me seriously,
and said,
my beautiful baby girl, (with her beautiful baby heart)
focus on your studies
and maybe then you'll learn how to lose your baby fat (even though she doesn't need to)


when i was fifteen,
i thought to myself,
with my head buried under the pillows,
if home is where the heart is,
wrapped in the comforting covers
that hide me in darkness,
crouching in the bathroom
and kneeling over again and again,
opening the kitchen drawer
and waiting for the clang,
walking into the bathtub,
bleeding into the bathtub,
somewhere far away,
somewhere that's not here,
that-
that must be my home.

when i am twenty,
she will tell me,
home is where the heart is,
and your heart is in your body,
so don't let anyone trespass, don't let anyone in.

but when i am twenty,
i will be five years long gone,
she will be five years too late.