am ibreathingthe darknesslurking in the blinding sunshineit is destroying me.i amdelusional in a different kind of wayneed everything i lostsay somethingpleasehelp me throughit's so beautiful up here but i am too scared to fallfor youare you still listeningcan you still hear me from your grave(wilted roses at the floor ourhaunted ocean ballroom)i have fallen too late.
for the people with depression.one day, the pressure becomes hard to take.I don't know what to do, only know that it achesThe past is just haunting, and it keeps going onDon't know anything anymore, only that something is wrong.It was the loss of a love, the death of a friendHalf of my heart that I wish didn't endI knew he was gone, but I couldn't believeSo I hid the pain in cuts under my sleevesNo reason to smile, no reason to liveI cut because blood's the only thing I can giveBut now I know that I'm not alone, there's someone who caresOne person's gone but everyone else is still thereI know that it's painful, I know how you feel.I have depression, PTSD, I know that it's realBut one day I got up and hung into lifeAnd day by day, I avoided my knifeI wrote free verse poetry, shed all my tearsDrew all the good things I ever had in my yearsLittle by little, I healed very slowlyIt's not over yet, but I'm not as lonelyWhat I'm trying to tell you is to believe and to hopeYou don't have to die hanging
My love is a fire, you are the fuel.And I'm burning you into ashes.
watch me.hang autumn in ropes, Let it die to winter,I have had enough of crackling leaves and cracking hearts.
goddesssky mother, i buried myself once.i was not a seedling, just a cutting, but in the arms offather earth, not sure where to go,i faced the sun. do you want to meet him again? you can't see himtoday, but he left shards of himself in me,my love, you would like him.He is forever, like the ocean, but while it's gentle, and warm, and bright.i once dropped a basket of wildflowers onto his heart and he planted them there.(and i hope he isn't like the others, i hope he doesn't let them drown.)because, sometimes, i wish i weren't as delicate as thoseforget-me-nots i braid intomy hair, i love too much and need even more.my lips still tingle with his laughterwisdom, you were always a storyteller, sotell me,why am i not the same, why are therestars trapped in my ribcage and nebulae bursting in my heart,really,how long will it take this constellation veined girl to find herself again?
somewhereAdmidst the darknessI see the blinking lights ofA distant cityOrion's arrowsand Leo's claw marks are carvedinto flesh of sky.For every soul astar. I see your reflection,faces in the moonOn a peaceful night,when there are no clouds, theyguide my feet back home.
back then,i was a wildflower girl,(battle the mountain,savor the rain.)but2 am, this is when i miss you most, becausei,i am not atlas,i cannot carry the worldon my shoulders,in the darkness,in my shadows,aloneso i will just tell myselfoverand overand overto hang ontohope, because i have nothing left anymore, not eventhe boy who tasted my namelike sucre on his lips, not eventhe boy who knewevery inch of mein the moonlight,
warm hands, cold feeti need you like the moon needs the starsfingertip sThey can reach,grasp for you but I know I can't even catch the air you breatheAnymore.sofarawayi let my voice crack as i scream your namei let it disappear into the emptiness of lonely skyI once loved more than memoriesHer heart is crumbling into dust
dear depression,(master of the umbra)i hate you.broken whispers, lonely promises,you are the worst of lovers, owning all, butnever seeming to be satisfiedeven with your name branded scarlet into my wrists.i am no longer the golden songbird as when you first met me,but yetyou still hang onto meyour clawsraking across my heart likemy pen ripping across the bloodstained page, likelightning across the skies, (vengeanceraining down from the gods i used to believe in)"don't let them catch you,"you breathed into my ears.an ounce of life, in exchange for a cloak of darkness (i thought i'd only stay one night)the fog was sluggish and deep.so blinded, I hidin the shelter you offered me(i still hear those echoes)my rib cages are my prison bars, my heart bound by these chains...you chopped off my wings and left bleeding stumpsand told me i was never bound for the skies.(shattered glass, lifeless eyes)Set me free.
.grievingmother,a full moon;fit to burstwith silvermilk,weeping
.got eyes sohungry they'reswallowing youwhole,gonna spitout your heartlike a pip
.you were a passingstorm, a tornado scribblingyour name in the sand
We were never Romeo and Juliet.i. daybreakThe first time I saw you, I knew you were somethingspecial.ii. morningInnocence. We were white as slates. But I never thoughtiii. Noontidenever.We both knew better, right?as we listened to our parents, nothing to do with you, nothing to do with you repeatedOverAnd over in our heads, as we ignored each other every time we passed by.Run, run, the wind whispered.iv. sunsetwe grew up. The next time you saw me, you knew I was somethingdifferentFrom all the restYou picked yourself up and ran, as fast as you could,v. somewhere in betweenBy the third girl you kissed, my heart was already infree fall.your footprints left cracks on the sidewalk near my house. They were the fleeing kind of crack, not the steady kind. I would trace them all the time.Beautiful.You never knew.vii.Another year passed, but by the time you tried to kiss me, I didn't
Amaranthine and wilting dahlias.Darling, your doe-eyed belladonna is a soon-to-benameless.1000 paper cranes but she'll never reach the moon. (One, two, three, four, five she's gone and breathe no more)would be beautiful but there areCrumbling roses carved into hermoonskinI say this as a statement, not a question, thatshe buried your dahlias into her tangled heartstringsAnd she'll fall on the trail of stars to heaven,won't come home tonight.
neptune gave him his eyes.You gave me all you had but i amten times more broken than ever before.people will tell me to move on and get a lifebut i don't know how to do that withoutyou.mother told me never to fall in love with aboy with the eyes of neptune,but i couldn't help but kiss the saltwater tears away from hissea.the fates wouldn't be cruel as to take you awayi think i was meant to love you forever [would they?]remember, 9 years old my daddy diedAnd you held me in the pouring rain.oh the battles we fought together [i took that knife for you]and you ran, ran, never let me gobut then they took you away and left me withbutterflies of shadows erupting from my bloody chest thatused to hold your heartbeati wish i wishgods do you rememberme staring at your broken bodyand you staring at my broken heartdon't go don't gobut it's all over now.i found a place to call home in the warmth of your arms,in the happiness in your laugh
SolitudeFrom dusk to dawn,my soul...it lingerscold andalonein this desolate placethat we callreality.Though inhabitedby many,these arebleak andforsaken grounds.I feel thatI'm trappedwith no way out,no escape,no blissawaiting me...Without a future,without a purpose,my yearning soul...it roamsthis earth;this grave...As the darknesscontinues toconsume me...As the numbnessfeeds onthe remnantsof my sanitya littleeach day.
Falling...Falling…Falling, falling into a bottomless pit…The final resting placein which unresolved mattersof conflicting emotionsreside.All anger!Hate!Grief!Depression!and regret…Lie h i d d e n . in the gravein which they were buried under.So hard I’ve strived.to hide the bitternessand negativityof mythoughts and feelings.I’ve invested plenty.in tryingto cover up the s t a i n s;bleach them away…Yet they resurface again.making themselves more familiarto my eye and heart,if so is possible.Pushing their way back.into my mind filledwith the l i e s.of happiness and joy;of false security and comfort.I know.That nothing.can enlighten me now.as I cry the night away;my pain gnawing at my soul,feasting away on the c r u m b sof my dignity and pride.I know.I cannot be saved.as I bleed a steady streamof
I AM A rebelBecause you said you loved a rebel.you left that scorching trail of coffee-stained love on my broken carbon dioxide lungsgaspfor--so I choked on air because you told me to drown~
Point of ViewMy world has crumbledto black and whiteDulled to a rainbowof graysHardly a wispof color in sight...Only darkness remains.
Beautiful.They say I’m beautifulBecause of the way my crystalline heart reflects light off its fractured surfaceWell, that isn't a reflectionIt’s rejection of the light because it’s all too much to handleThrow myself away into the dark without even a candle‘Cause I don’t want to recognize all the pain I’m inOr realize the truth behind what I am or who I've beenAnd I tried to make things right but I just keep on making wrongI never listened to the angel on my shoulder when she calledI count my tears like they’re experienceAnd my scars like they’re mysteriousAnd that’s a feeling I’ll remember –Watching as you leftWatching as you ended what was meant to be foreverAnd I can see it in their eyes; everyone can empathizeSo they say that I’m beautiful because they don’t know what else to say.But if being broken is beautiful, then it’s the ugliest way...
RewrittenCan time ever be rewritten?I hardly believe soEven if I could turn the clock hands backAm I capable of changing the past?I ponder this question often these daysStruggling through the daily hoursWatching people safely from my dark little cornerWondering if I can resist another meltdownGiven the oppurtunity I would rewrite my lifeStart another storyA story I couldn't be ashamed ofThen perhaps the last ten years wouldn't seem like such a wasteCan time ever be rewritten?I know that isn't soI just cope with the reality of right nowAnd hope I'm strong enough to live with the past
BrokenCan't fixwhat's never been whole.
BuckwheatI bite into an apple,Hoping that it might grace me withnectar.The juice that runs down my chintastesof apathy.
Adolescent Prisonerin the back of my mind,there's a child, with bleeding knuckles,banging against the walls of my hysteria.i won't let her escape -because no one will love her.
Something PreciousLife.It's a precious thing,they say.The trees,no matter how still,there's life in them,isn't there?I cut through oneonceand green sapflowed from the woundlike bloodfrom a paper cut.I wonder,Did it weep silentlyas it bled?Did it scream?Did it hurt?The flowers,those that swayto the wind's command,they're living, too,no matter how submissive,how weak,they live,they give,and they die.The windis life,death.It gives,it takes.Storms,breezes,moving,pushing—how can somethinginanimatebe so alive?Life—it's here,and there,yet no matterhow much life thereseems to be,it falls, too,disappears,so sudden.Like dominoes,life can fall apartso easily withone push,one wrong move,one mistake.That's all it takes.A boy—there was a boyI once knewwho thought his own life wasn'tso specialfor him to live,to deserve to live likeeveryone should.Every night I heard his cries;He asked the God aboveto take away his life.Ev
Depression and I are Fuck BuddiesWhen I was young I made a friend.She was kind of quiet-a loner, like me.She wore a long cloak of stars and melodiesthat would wrap around us both when she got close.As we got olderwe became closer-until she was all I could see.She gave me words of comfort,whispered when no one was around.And I would hold her close,Keeping her curled up inside.Even when she was mean,I would forgive her.If she made me cry,I would hold her closer.We are never apart for very long,though the people around us would tryand rip us from each other’s grasp.She would simply disappearfor hours or days or months.And soon she would sneak in my bedroomwith her cloak of starlight and musicand hold me in a lovers’ embrace.
.if thesewalls couldtalkthen i'm surethey'd bescreamingget out,burn usdown,we can'tbearto hold youanylonger(been too busy dreaming to get any sleep)
.and i wonder what it feels like to bealive.